So in this new article titled ‘by their lips you shall know
them’, Etcetera took a swipe at female celebrities exposing them to be heavy smokers.
I don’t even know how he wants Tonto
Dikeh’s new man to feel, when he publicly called her Igbolabi, how fair is that? Etcetera should be ‘slapped’ aswear
(not I swear o) Lol. Please find the
article after the cut…
‘Hi, Uche or Etcetera or coma or whatever that singer called
you the last time. Guest what?’
‘Guest what? At this time of the day? Chudi, in case you
didn’t notice, it is still 2am in naija and you are calling me to guest what?
‘Hey Chudi, you guest what?’
I’m hanging up this phone now and am going back to sleep.
Mscheeew. Effing diasporans with no respect for time difference.’
‘Uche, you are dead when I get to that house if you dare
hang up the phone on me.’
‘If you get to what house? Chudi what are you talking about?
I thought you quit doing drugs?’
‘I don’t do drugs Uche, I only smoke marijuana which is
legal where I reside in America and I haven’t smoke in hours since I boarded my
flight to Nigeria. I’m right at the airport in Lagos now. Can you please come
get me from this place?’
‘Chudi, please I don’t have time for this madness. It is too
early for your pranks.’
‘Chudi, I swear I’m in Nigeria for real, I’m at the airport.
We just landed’
‘Seriously? Chudi, but you should have informed me before
coming na. Ok, I am on my way. Give me about 30 minutes, I’ll be there.’
So that’s how I picked up my fave cousin at the airport and
after the hugging and few minutes of catching up, he asked if we could make a
stop at the shrine on our way home. He said he’s heard so much about it and
would love to see what it really looks like.
‘Chudi, what did you hear about the shrine that you are so
eager to see at this time of the morning? Or you’ve been told they smoke igbo
there and you think you can blackmail me with the things you claim to have
bought for me to take you there right? For you info, as a personal rule, I only
go to the shrine when I am scheduled to perform. However, if you want us to
make a stop at St. Leo’s Catholic Church for the morning mass, that would be
fine.’
‘Please spare me the sermon Uche. I only want to visit the
shrine like every other tourist.’
‘You mean visit like every other igbo smoker? Chudi, I will
take you there at the appropriate time for your so-called tourist visit. On a
second thought, I could take you there on my way to the radio station this
evening and pick you up later when I am done. Apparently, Femi is rehearsing
this evening.’
‘Fantastic. Seems I’ll be enjoying a combo of live afrobeat
music and scooshi and some pure naija marijuana tonight. What a way to hit the
sky.’
Upon our arrival at the shrine that evening, I was greeted
by a chant from some people around who recognised me. Three guys looking stoned
as hell walked up to us shouting ‘Etc baba, haa! Our own don better today. Baba
Etc, how far naa? How many wraps you want? We dey sell rizla too. Na your broda
be dis? Una resemble oo.’
My cousin was already taken with their lingo. He was really
fascinated by one among them, who looked like one of the zombies in Michael
Jackson’s “Thriller” video. He was gawking at the black nylon bag which this
individual was carrying. We didn’t need to inspect the bag to know that it
contained igbo. So they didn’t get it twisted, I quickly told them that I
didn’t smoke. They just look at each other and laughed like hyenas. With one of
them saying, “Baba, talk another tin. With this your hair? Abeg you dey smoke.
You wey be musician?
“Baba, e no get any naija entertainer wey no dey smoke igbo.
Even sef, na the girls smoke pass. I no dey talk about Tonto oo, everybody
already know say dat one na mama nla igbolabi.
But how una take dey know female entertainers wey dey smoke
and the ones wey no dey smoke?
‘Baba Etc, no let their pink lips deceive you oo. Dem dey do
pink lips for Ikeja under-bridge. We know sey dem dey smoke because we dey
supply most of dem igbo for their house and others dey come choco for here
direct.
Baba, I know say you no go beleive because dey no dey do am for
public but we wey dey supply the tin no say she dey choco wella. We fit even
give you names of female entertainers wey smoke igbo pass Baba Fela.
‘Oh my God, these are our role models and you are saying
they all smoke igbo?’
‘Hahaha, Baba Etc, we dey tell you say dem smoke pass Fela,
you dey say dem be role models. Role models ko, rolling models ni.’
‘What about the male entertainers, una no talk their own?’
‘Bros Etc, why you wan waste our time? Those ones dey smoke
anything wey enter their mouth. Una dey talk say naija music don spoil finish.
So una no know say na igbo dey cause am? All their music dey sound the same way
because all igbo smokers dey think the same way.’
‘Ok guys, make I waka before I late for my radio show. Chudi, see you later ok?’
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